I've discovered my new least favorite place in the world (especially when I've been up close to 24 hours and I'm starting to get fussy).

Yesterday I graciously (and unwisely) offered to go to the grocery store for my mom. Stupdily I was up all night and waited until afternoon to go. The second problem was that the list she gave me had Meijer-specific items, so I had to go to Meijer's.

Side point number one: It's Meijer's, and I'm not a hick, redneck, or lower form of humaity for saying so. For some reason in some quarters use of the possessive in the mentioning of retail outlets is a sign of stupidity. I've partially broken myself of the habit, but Meijer is "Meijer's," Kroger is "Kroger's," etc. Wal-Mart, Rite-Aid, 7-11, etc. have never gotten the possessive treatment, but a slew of other stores have. For me, by the way, the stupidity starts at motor companies. I grimace a bit when someone says that they work "at Ford's" or "for Chrysler's." Meijer's is fine, Ford's is not.

Side point number two: If you don't know what Meijer's is, you're missing out on life. Let's say it's 4 am and suddenly you're in dire need of a rake, motor oil, underwear, a head of lettuce, and a dress shirt. You go to Meijer's. It's a 24 hour orgy of one-stop shopping, and for some reason (which is clear to me after yesterday) they are building stores every mile or so around my house.

So Saturday I headed to the one two miles away and found the parking lot at maximum capacity (plus it was raining). I didn't particularly feel like walking 3/4 of a mile just to get to the door, so I went a different Meijer's, about two miles in a different direction (the one a mile away is still under construction).

This place was an agoraphobe's worst nightmare. I found a parking spot only 1/4 of a mile from the door, which was quite fortunate considering that all of humanity was present.

For some odd reason all semblance of order was gone. Within feet of the door, people were going in every direction, running into other, some striding with confidence, some wandering aimlessly, and some just standing there taking up space. I managed to score a wonderful shopping cart on which three of the four wheels didn't work, causing it to suddenly change direction for no reason. I tried very hard not to assault anybody with the cart (which I immediately dubbed, "Christine") but did run down a couple of toddlers and an old lady. On top of the refusal of the cart to follow orders, I ended up kicking it every third step. I'm not real short so any full stride caused me to kick the hell out the cart's undercarriage. Normally I offset this by holding it out three feet in front of me, which causes me to walk stooped over but saves my feet. This was impossible as quick thinking and agility were needed to navigate the teeming aisles full of determined and cutthroat shoppers.

The situation was made worse by a few factors. First off, people are rude. Apparently the words "excuse me" do not exist in grocery stores on Saturday afternoon. People also apparently are spastic, causing sudden 90 degree turns and screeching to a halt for no reason. Add in the loiterers who just pick a spot in the middle of the aisle and stand there and you've got problems. Movement was further hindered by the damned people giving out free samples. I spotted a little break in one of the aisles and went for it, thinking I could cut over to the bread. Instead I almost knocked over a table where two morons in aprons were standing and saying, "Would you like to try some Hormel chili?" Instead of taking a shortcut I ended up going to the end of the aisle and standing there as four people stood staring at each other waiting for everyone else to move. This, folks, is why I do my shopping in the wee hours of the morning.I

managed to scratch and claw my way to the front of the store, where I stood in line at the register for half an hour. Once I was back on the road I found that traffic was unusually light. It then occurred to me why - everyone was at Meijer's.

I think I can safely say that I've now made my last Saturday afternoon trip for groceries.