A little while back I ran across a profile on myspace.com which really caught my attention. Perhaps I'm a cynic for thinking there's something fishy with a pretty, young, blonde, scantily-clad girl posting articles on how to hook up with women, and further posting information on how to order a particular author's books on the subject, but I copied the "Purchase Now" link, did a little editing to it, and got back to the "affiliate program" webpage.

The quotes here are priceless:

"My target audience is adult men who are in need of advice on how to be more successful with women. This is obviously a large market online."

So when you posted a sweet rack shot and some helpful hints on scoring with hotties it was all just a marketing ploy? Say it ain't so!

"We know there are a lot of shady people out there doing business online."

We have met the enemy, and he is us!

Apart from the obvious sleaze of this dude's business operations, his advice is comical. I had to sign up for his newsletter (HAD to) and found some of the following nuggets:

"If I've been talking to a girl, and I want to know if she's ready to be kissed, I'll reach over and touch her hair while we're talking and make a comment about it. I'll say "Your hair looks so soft" and just touch the tips of it. If she smiles and likes this, I'll reach back over and start stroking it again, but this time I also glance down at her lips and back up to her eyes a couple of times. If she lets me keep touching her hair, I know that she's ready to be kissed."

So, basically, manhandle her and if she doesn't cry rape move in for the kill. Great advice, guy! Glad I paid $20 for it!

The best selling point, by far, is that he'll tell you, "the difference between how men and women think about dating - and why most women want to keep you from being successful." I'm guessing that they want to keep you from being successful because you disgust them. I could be wrong, but it makes more sense to me than assuming that women are actively plotting to keep men down.

The really horrible part about all of this is that this guy is probably doing huge business. Let's face it, guys are chumps. Give them the outside chance that they might get laid and they'll follow you to the moon. Some 40-something little melvin sitting in his mom's basement anguishing over the fact that he's never spoken to a woman is going to jump at the chance to read up on how to attract women - especially given the anonymity of the whole affair. Books taught him how to build model rockets, how to speak Klingon, even how to build a computer - why can't they help him learn how to date women?

This "author" is really nothing more than an older version of the kid in school who bragged about his prowess with the ladies (all of them from other schools, of course) and offered advice to the nerds who hung out with him because of that. He's the same dodgy character who used to (and maybe still does) tell you that "women dress that way because they want to be noticed" or that "no really means yes." Advance that guy to the computer age and add in a whole new crew of nerds and suddenly he's rolling in the money. Any guy who is chump enough to need a book to teach him how to attract women is chump enough to send this guy their money.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some reading to do.

I hate celebrities. To me, they are like the monkeys you see dancing around in old movies while a street vendor grinds an organ. No one asked these monkeys about their personal lives, their feelings, their political views, etc. so why do we care what actors and actresses have to say? These people show in their personal lives how dumb they are so why should we look to them for any type of advice?

I recently saw an episode "Larry King Live." The guest host was Ryan Seacrest, whose guests were Paul McCartney's wife, Alec Baldwin, and Dennis Kucinich. The panel was discussing the breeding of cats and dogs for their fur. WTF? Who wears dog fur? Who breeds these dogs? Who cares what Alec Baldwin has to say on the matter? "Tonight a special discussion between an ambiguously gay television host, a celebrity's wife, a bloated washed-up actor, and a failed politician!" I'm sure the ratings went through the roof. How did they decide the topic? Global warming, world peace, feeding the poor - nobody cares about these issues! Let's get a has-been and two never-wases in here to talk about cat fur!

And Kucinich! Please! This guy was one of the candidates for the 2004 Democratic presidential nomination, a group which surely has been inducted as an all-star team into the bad lid hall of fame. Kucinich, Al Sharpton, and Dick Gephardt must have been offensive to hair stylists around the nation. And John Edwards looked more like a Ken doll than a politician. As a matter of fact, I don't think it's even been proven that he was anatomically correct.

There's been a lot of talk about Air America Radio, a supposed liberal reaction to conservative talk radio. Who are the big hosts? Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo. Yes, Stuart Smalley and the chick who made a career out of looking frumpy and calling herself ugly. People are supposed to listen to them? What's next, life and death issues discussed by Matt Leblanc and Will Ferrell? Well, no, even worse....

Some unemployed actor whose claim to fame is being on M.A.S.H. (which went off the air almost 25 years ago) was all over TV defending Tookie Williams. What??? Is Radar going to pop up and discuss federal spending? Will Klinger be the first cross-dressing fictional character to run for president? This guy emerges from a quarter century of obscurity and doesn't even have the decency to crack a joke (with a horrible laugh track) - he just goes straight into lecturing us? It's mind-boggling.

The purpose of these people's lives is to entertain us. It's not to enlighten us or educate us, it's to entertain us. The sole reason they are born, live, and die is let Joe Sixpack of Omaha laugh for a half an hour every Tuesday night; it's not to improve his existence. I want to just reach into the TV, shake them, and yell, "Shut up and dance, monkey!"

Seacrest out!

I've discovered my new least favorite place in the world (especially when I've been up close to 24 hours and I'm starting to get fussy).

Yesterday I graciously (and unwisely) offered to go to the grocery store for my mom. Stupdily I was up all night and waited until afternoon to go. The second problem was that the list she gave me had Meijer-specific items, so I had to go to Meijer's.

Side point number one: It's Meijer's, and I'm not a hick, redneck, or lower form of humaity for saying so. For some reason in some quarters use of the possessive in the mentioning of retail outlets is a sign of stupidity. I've partially broken myself of the habit, but Meijer is "Meijer's," Kroger is "Kroger's," etc. Wal-Mart, Rite-Aid, 7-11, etc. have never gotten the possessive treatment, but a slew of other stores have. For me, by the way, the stupidity starts at motor companies. I grimace a bit when someone says that they work "at Ford's" or "for Chrysler's." Meijer's is fine, Ford's is not.

Side point number two: If you don't know what Meijer's is, you're missing out on life. Let's say it's 4 am and suddenly you're in dire need of a rake, motor oil, underwear, a head of lettuce, and a dress shirt. You go to Meijer's. It's a 24 hour orgy of one-stop shopping, and for some reason (which is clear to me after yesterday) they are building stores every mile or so around my house.

So Saturday I headed to the one two miles away and found the parking lot at maximum capacity (plus it was raining). I didn't particularly feel like walking 3/4 of a mile just to get to the door, so I went a different Meijer's, about two miles in a different direction (the one a mile away is still under construction).

This place was an agoraphobe's worst nightmare. I found a parking spot only 1/4 of a mile from the door, which was quite fortunate considering that all of humanity was present.

For some odd reason all semblance of order was gone. Within feet of the door, people were going in every direction, running into other, some striding with confidence, some wandering aimlessly, and some just standing there taking up space. I managed to score a wonderful shopping cart on which three of the four wheels didn't work, causing it to suddenly change direction for no reason. I tried very hard not to assault anybody with the cart (which I immediately dubbed, "Christine") but did run down a couple of toddlers and an old lady. On top of the refusal of the cart to follow orders, I ended up kicking it every third step. I'm not real short so any full stride caused me to kick the hell out the cart's undercarriage. Normally I offset this by holding it out three feet in front of me, which causes me to walk stooped over but saves my feet. This was impossible as quick thinking and agility were needed to navigate the teeming aisles full of determined and cutthroat shoppers.

The situation was made worse by a few factors. First off, people are rude. Apparently the words "excuse me" do not exist in grocery stores on Saturday afternoon. People also apparently are spastic, causing sudden 90 degree turns and screeching to a halt for no reason. Add in the loiterers who just pick a spot in the middle of the aisle and stand there and you've got problems. Movement was further hindered by the damned people giving out free samples. I spotted a little break in one of the aisles and went for it, thinking I could cut over to the bread. Instead I almost knocked over a table where two morons in aprons were standing and saying, "Would you like to try some Hormel chili?" Instead of taking a shortcut I ended up going to the end of the aisle and standing there as four people stood staring at each other waiting for everyone else to move. This, folks, is why I do my shopping in the wee hours of the morning.I

managed to scratch and claw my way to the front of the store, where I stood in line at the register for half an hour. Once I was back on the road I found that traffic was unusually light. It then occurred to me why - everyone was at Meijer's.

I think I can safely say that I've now made my last Saturday afternoon trip for groceries.